We made it through the first week.

Dear Katie,
You are napping right now so I thought I would write a quick post. Well you and I both made it through my first week back to work in one piece. In fact, you were pretty much oblivious. I however, missed you all day everyday. I would call MiMi during the day to check on you. She would put you on the phone and you'd babble at me, which made me happy and sad all at the same time.

In a way I feel better now that I'm back at work. It has provided me a sense of normalcy, and it's helping us get you into some kind of a routine. I'm actually sleepig more than I was because daddy has been taking the first night shift with you (From 9pm-2:30) and there has actually been two nights this week that he took the entire night shift! So mommy got like 7-8 hours of sleep! Holy cow! :) As much as I miss you, being back at work is for the moment making me calmer because I know that your daddy and I will be able to provide for you. So there is a sense of pride in what I'm doing that I didn't have before. I also appreciate our nightly wake ups together a lot more than before. Since I don't see you all day, I kind of enjoy our little feeding times together- and snuggling you until you fall back to sleep. Also because I know this is not the job I will have forever, at least for the moment, I'm less stressed about it because I just don't care as much. But I do miss you like crazy. You are growing so fast. I don't want to miss out. You mean the world to me! You've started smiling a lot this week, so that's been a blast to talk to you and have you look up at me with the biggest most beautiful toothless smile. You my dear are gonna be a knock out when you get older. :)

Daddy and I picked up a new toy for you this weekend (Something that my going back to work has allowed us to do). It sings at you, and you love it! When we press the button to make noise, you wiggle and smile and lock eyes with the toy. The best part is, daddy and I enjoy playing with it almost as much as you do! Everytime you press the button it plays a note. Depending on how fast you press it, that affects how fast or slow the song is. Yours sings "Oh where, oh where has my little dog gone" which we thought was pretty appropriate in our house. :)

Anyway, I guess the point of this letter was to let you know that daddy and I are working hard for you. And that you did great with MiMi all week. I still wish that I could be the one with you, but I know when you are older and have your own babies that you will also understand my desire to provide for you.

You are starting to wake up so I guess I will go for now.

I love you with all my heart baby girl,
Momma

Sometimes being an adult is so hard.

My Dearest Katie,
On February 6th, 2010 my life changed forever when we found out you were on your way. Our dream came to fruition when you arrived on this earth September 24th, 2010 at 1:51pm. At 7lbs 6oz and 19 inches long, we were relieved to find out that you were healthy despite coming into the world almost 4 weeks early. It was a long road to get you here healthy and happy, but one I would not change. I developed issues with my blood pressure early on (even if the doctors didn't notice until much later) and in the end was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. As a result I spent the last several weeks of your time in the belly on bed rest at home. Up until that point both your daddy and I worked very hard to save money to buy the things you needed. We did our best to prepare.
Speaking of your daddy, you should know what a hard working, amazing and caring man he is and how much he loves you. Half way through the pregnancy daddy started working 60-70 hour work weeks to help us get extra money fast. Daddy is still working long weeks so that we can get debt paid off and so that at some point mommy can stay home with you.
I want you to know how badly mommy wanted to be home with you. At first it took a lot of getting used to. I'd never been a mommy before and it was pretty overwhelming, but as time went on you grew into this little person with her own little personality. You are continuing to change each day, but I want you to know how much I enjoy your company. You are a sweet and wonderful baby girl. We are so thrilled and honored to be your parents.
Right now you are nearly 7 weeks old. Sometimes it seems the days stretch and blur together, other times I am shocked that you are nearly 2 months old. I want to soak up every moment I can with you because I know that these moments are so short before you are grown.
I have been struggling for the last week with deciding if I should go back to work. Daddy and I did the math tonight and it is looking like at least for a little while I will have to go back to work full time to help cover the bills. It makes my heart ache to think of being away from you for so long. You are changing so much every day, and I don't want to miss an instant. But sometimes, being an adult is very hard and you have to do things you don't want to do. Please know if I had it my way I would never leave your side. But as it is, it looks like I'm going to have to leave you for 40 hours a week, just until daddy and I can pay a couple of bills off. I want you to know that we are doing this for you, and for your future. We don't want you to remember a time where we had to struggle. While there are people who struggle far more than we do, we want to make sure that going forward we can provide you all the things you need and a lot of what you want.
You are so very loved. This is going to be very hard for me. I will be looking to you for my strength. You are who I live and breath for now. I do not want to leave you, but if I have to please know that I will thinking of you every minute, and working very hard to be back with you as soon as I can. All your daddy and I want for you is to be happy and healthy. This is our journey as a family.

We love you sweet baby girl,
love Mommy.

Well what do we have here?

That lovely thing above speaks the truth. I'm pregnant. I didn't expect to be typing these words. After the last post I quickly got my period (Jan 11). haha. I found out after the fact that based on my periods (which have ranged anywhere from 25-32 days between) that I had most likely missed my window of ovulation by a few days. D'oh.

While on my period last month, I did a lot of thinking and a lot of going back and forth about should we or shouldn't we. We talked about it and decided to forge ahead. But I was skeptical anything would happen.

As I mentioned in the last post I was working to get off of pristiq. I am complete off now and have been since middle of last month. Let me tell you, the last week where I went code turkey was horrible!!! I mean , I felt like a drug addict I was so sick. I got migranes and was naseous the entire day. For 3 days in a row I went to bed as soon as I got home and didn't get up until the next morning. All totaled it took me 2 1/2 weeks of every other day, and 8 days of cold turkey to finally get the junk out of my system. Let just say... as good as it work I hope I never had to take it again...

But back to the baby news! Because I had been nothing but a ball of nerves in January and had phantom symptoms over EVERYTHING. In February, because I was convinced I wasn't going to get pregnant, I didn't really pay much attention to any "symptoms".

I noticed that my breats were tender again but after the previous month I didn't give it much thought. In January about 4 days before I got my period the breast pain went away and I realized my temp had dropped. This month they hurt consistently the entire time, and I kept waiting for them to stop. Now it has not been the excrutiating pain some women describe, just the typical pms sore boobs for me.

On Tuesday Feb 2nd, I noticed some spotting. Not enough to even get on a panty liner, but more of a few red streaks when I wiped after using the rest room. I thought for sure I was just have another short cycle and accepted that my period was coming, and I was going to stop trying for a few months. But then my period didn't come. This did peak my interest some what.

Then this past Wednesday (about a week ago) I had a job interview but because of my weight gain during my depression I didn't have interview slacks that fit. I made a trip to the local kohl's and to my horror found I could not button the size I thought I wore... up and up the sizes went until I had to purchase a size 14. Looking back I now realize it was bloating.

So between those symptoms and the fact that we had in fact had unprotected sex, I decided I was going to test sometime over the course of last weekend.

At around 3:40am I woke up because I had to pee. I figured since I was up I'd go ahead and pee on a stick, and promptly put my negative in the trash, and go on about my life. Except that after taking the test I started to notice a line. Now , I've seen plenty of negative tests, I'm very familiar with what they look like as I tend the be the "oh crap am I pregnant" all the time type. This was different and though the line was faint (it was a dollar store cheapie) there was a line. I felt my blood pressure shoot up. I told myself this was possibly an evaporation line... though... it appeared to be the same color.... no it couldn't be an evaporation line. I started to get excited, and took another (I tend to use a cup and dip rather than pee on the stick.... I don't ever want to be in the situation where theres a question and I'm freaking out cause there's no more pee! haha) and there was another line, though just as faint , if not more faint than before. So I took a 3rd (yes I know its getting a bit ridiculous here) and again another line. At this point I woke up my husband and told him I needed him to come with me, to which he replied "What, now?" slightly grumpy that I woke him up. I took him to the bathroom where the tests were displayed and asked him if he saw a line. He said he did. I ask him if he knew what it meant, he said it meant I might be pregnant. Then we went back to bed. He proceeded to fall asleep quickly. I however, layed there with my mind racing unable to sleep. I decided I was going to buy more tests to confirm. I left the house at 7am and went to walmart. I purchashed first response, clear blue easy digital, and an equate brand. I also decided to pick up more dollar store test since it was the brand I had originally seen the line on.

Around 1pm on Saturday I finally built up the nerve (and the pee haha) to test again and used a first response. That 2nd line showed up much quicker than it had with the dollar store tests. Success! Then... I decided to test fate and use a digital, which are known for being less sensitive. I dipped the stick, watched the little hour glass blink, and held my breath. I needed to see it, regardless of having already done 5 tests at that point. I needed to see the word. And then there it was, PREGNANT. And it was good. :)

So, what have I done since then? Well,... first I stressed about how likely it was that I was going to have a chemical pregnancy. I just felt like it was too easy. Not to mention I'd been reading on these boards where so many women struggle and lose babies, and have chemical pregnancy. Needless to say I freaked myself out.

For the first 2 days it was real, but not real. And so I continued to pee on sticks just to make sure I was in fact still pregnant. Here I am 4 day since I found out, just now starting to realize this could be the real deal and that in October of 2010 I could very well be a mama. I hope that is the case. I'm still nervous about all the what ifs. I'm trying not to think about it, because the reality is there will always be a what-if. There will always be something to be scared of. I want to enjoy this. My husband wants to enjoy it, so I'm trying to have some faith that it will all work out ok. :)

We've decided to tell our families this coming Friday and Saturday. We figure while it is pretty early, if something does happen we will need their support. With Valentine's day coming up, we bought them valentines cards addressed from the baby. I can't wait to see what their reactions are.

I also made a doctor's appointment with a midwife, it is on Feb. 23rd. So here's to then, and here's to an uneventful next couple of weeks. Grow baby grow! :)

First try.

The first time we tried to make a family was January 1st, 2010. How appropriate no? haha, it also happened to be smack dab in the window I believe I was ovulating. **It should also be noted that I can't do one thing at a time, oh no!, I decided now would also be a good time to try and kick my caffiene habit, as well as get off of a medication called pristiq (used to treat depression and/or anxiety). So it makes for a lovely guessing game of "what is causing this ailment".

So... now a word on this 2 week wait thing. It sucks! Seriously. I was not designed to handle the 2 week wait well. If you knew me, you'd know this. I am... shall we say.... slightly obsessive and determined. haha. Having a child has been one of the biggest goals of my entire life. So.. there's extra pressure there. Add to that I love learning about it, and there you have hours on google. Damn you google, damn you!! haha. I have spent the last nearly 2 weeks obsessing over this, the what ifs, the possible symptoms, etc. This is not good. haha. I know I am not the only woman in history to have done this, but... it doesn't help me watching myself do it. Its like a train wreck. My poor husband has been amazing about it, supportive, and great at listening.

So... what symptoms if any do I think I've had.
Not that many to speak of honestly. The number one thing I've noticed is my poor breasts (which will probably be called boobs a number of times between now and the future). They have been very sore. Here's the thing, I am a bigger chested girl, it runs in the family. I am used to them being tender around the time I ovulate, then again when I have pms. Between that time, they are fine.

This time they have been sore the entire 2 weeks. Full and sore. Additionally after we had sex on the first, my nipples have been tingling on and off. I have also had lovely "headlights" 24/7. Now for that lovely game of W.C.T.A. It has been very cold here in Florida. So.. I can't determine if they are like that because I have been cold for the last 2 weeks or what.

Besides my boobs, I've noticed I've been pretty tired. But again... this could be caffeine or coming off of the meds. Who knows.

The only other thing I've noticed out of the ordinary is my crying fit this weekend. Again, could be meds or caffiene, of potential baby. Who knows.


So.. here we are... about 3 days before I'm expecting my period. Can I say again how much I hate this 2 week wait thing. I have a feeling I'm going to get my period. Perhaps I'm being pessimistic, but there you have it. I guess we'll have to wait and see....

And away we go...

I am 25 years old and happily married to the love of my life. We have decided to try and start a family. Sounds easy right? lol. Then you don't know me or my obsessive nature. I am convinced the dreaded 2 week wait will in fact kill me, as I obsess to the point of not being able to think of anything else. But.... before we go on.


How I knew I wanted children. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember. In fact, I think I remember being the only broody 12 year old on the planet. lol. I have always been interested in women and pregnancy. Fascinated by the changes in the body that create that little person.

In fact, it honestly feels as if everything I have ever done was for my non-existent, but someday maybe, children. I know that sounds weird, but its the truth. I've always tried to live "right" (what is that anyway?), and make decisions that would put me in a good situation to be a mother. I once had a girl I went to highschool with tell me I was already a mother even if my children weren't on earth yet. She was a very religious person, something I can't really claim to be, but somehow it brought me comfort.

Before I met my husband I was in a relationship for nearly 4 years. I was crazy about him, and he was soooo wrong for me. It was my desire for children that finally gave me the strength to leave him. The realization that all of his hangups, would harm my future children. That was not the life I wanted for them. And so... I left him. Scared and lost but knowing it was the right thing.

Then I met the man that would be my future husband. Let me tell you, this man is amazing. He is kind, and warm, and funny. He is patient, and confident, and personable. He works hard, and is all about his family. In other words, he is the right man for me. A wonderful, cherished man.

When I met him, I knew not only did he make me happier than I had ever been, but I knew he would make an amazing father. His desire for a family almost matched mine! But... like me, he wanted to do it right and provide the best life for his kids possible. So while, we would have been happy to have kids right away. We decided to wait and try to better prepare ourselves.

We were married in April of 2009. It was in January of 2010 that we decided we would start trying for a family. And so, as a means of an outlet and hopefully a way to in someway minimize my obsessing, and maybe keep a record for prosperity, I decided to chronicle the journey in this blog.

And here we go...